Soundless Voice
by yukixed
Summary: Why is it my feelings can't be heard by you? Why can't I say the words stuck inside of me? Perhaps, it'd be better if I didn't say a thing any longer.


Soundless Voice

Author: Yuki

Words from the author: This story is read from Kise's point of view and heavily focuses on his feelings.

* * *

How many days has it been? Since that day my words could no longer be heard by you…

Looking at your back, I struggled to force the words out of my mouth but I couldn't. The rain started pouring and my vision blurred, Aominecchi, where are you? I stood rooted to the ground, despite the minutes that had passed.

A cheerful ringtone breaks my focus and I pick up the phone.

"Kise?"

It was Kasamatsu-senpai's voice.

"Kise, where are you now?"

He kept calling out the name you would no longer call out to.

"…"

I could only respond to him in silence; that was when I noticed something was wrong. I grabbed onto my throat, squeezing it in pain but the words wouldn't come out. I began to struggle, feeling suffocated by all the emotions I couldn't seem to control.

I loved you so much and so dearly, such that one sentence of "let's break up" could take my voice away.

It's been a week since then. No one except everyone in the Kaijou team knows of my condition; I could no longer speak. The doctor said it may be due to shock or some emotional stress, but I know better; I was at fault.

Looking back, it wasn't wrong for you to want to break up. Whenever you were with me, you were forcing a smile. But the timid me, was afraid to ask you why. Afraid that everything would come crashing down, afraid of the various answers that seem to be appearing in my mind, afraid that you will tell me that you only went out with me out of pity, I kept mum and this is what happened.

Perhaps it was better that I lost my voice; it wasn't particularly nice sounding to begin with. Maybe that way, I would make people less angry and Akashicchi and Midorimacchi would scold me for being an "idiot" less often.

… I'm just running away, aren't I? I'm just making excuses for myself.

To be honest, I hated myself. It wasn't a matter of who I was, but the countless fake smiles and beautiful lies I created. The model "Kise Ryouta" was nothing but a lie.

A cheerful image I was to create, a happy smile I was to make and words of flattery and warmth I was to spread, which left me with an empty hole in my heart instead.

Before I knew it, I hid my tears, I hid my sorrows, I hid my pain. Even to Aominecchi, I won't show it. No matter how painful it is, I won't tell you. I put on a smiling face, seeing you and another girl walk out of the car. I pretend its okay, for you both to walk into a bar. I force a mask onto my face, hurriedly walking off to another place.

I went into the studio and they said, "Kise, smile again today." I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I forced in my tears meant to flow, letting the emptiness inside me grow. As days passed, I missed your face and the next moment I called you out, your words made my heart race. Not in happiness, not in excitement, but in anxiety and insecurity of what could happen.

How could I ever live without you being in my life?

My thoughts proved me wrong, I managed to live without you.

If only I asked you earlier, if you truly liked me, this wouldn't have happened, but that chance is now long gone.

I don't even care if I lost my voice; it wasn't my "true" voice.

I sat down below the scorching sun, gazing at the moving clouds… When would I be able to move on? Beside me, another person who loves me as much as I love you remains… He will never leave my side and he always calls me immediately after realizing something was amiss; just like that raining day. I looked at him and he looked back at me… Honest eyes reflected my face and I could see, just how much love I would gain if I were to accept him. But I let go of his hand and he knows, the reason why I let him go. He knows just how much I am hurt, how much I love you and how much I need to be saved by you.

It's now winter, one month later. We haven't talked, we haven't emailed, we haven't seen each other since then.

"Kise."

I stopped walking and turned back knowing it was you. I wanted to act normally and put on a smile, call out "Aominecchi" and pretend everything was alright, but I couldn't. I forgot my voice was long gone. I made a smile, which turned out to be a slightly awkward grin.

"I'm sorry about what I said before."

All I could do was shake my head.

"Why are you not talking?"

I could ask you that myself; I can't obviously. All I could do was type on my phone, "I've lost my voice temporarily." I could see your face squirm in pain… Stop it, this isn't the expression I want to see.

"Is this all because of me?"

I quickly typed my response in exasperation, denying any of your claims.

"I'll find your voice back for you."

Raising your hand towards me, I can't help but think you're being so unfair. Why is it you're the only one who can make me so happy, yet all I can do is make you force a smile? Why is it when I'm weak, you seem to see through me and despite me trying to hide my pain, you'd open up my wound and heal it by yourself? Regardless, I took your hand.

Time passed quickly and spring approached.

It had been months but my voice hadn't returned. However, you stayed by my side and hung out with me. No, we aren't dating anymore. But with you by my side, I feel as if I'm okay even without my voice because you'll always be there for me.

The flowers seemed ever so beautiful to me, your warmth slowly passing through your hands to mine.

You look at me and smiled, hoping I'd get my voice back soon.

"I want you to call me 'Aominecchi' again."

You admitted how I sounded irritating calling you that, but now that you can't hear it anymore, you miss my voice. My heart skipped a beat, now I feel like I want to call out to you again.

You went on ahead, towards the convenience store for drinks but as the lights were shining green, I realised the moving vehicle from the left. It was too late for you to notice, you were going to be hit and before I realised, my legs started moving by themselves.

"Aominecchi!"

I called out of desperation and shove you afar. Whatever happened after that, I was left in a dark world of silent echoes. While my eyes were shut close and my heart seemed to have came to a halt, a soft touch seemed to have came upon my lips.

"Kise!"

That's a familiar voice, but I can't seem to open my eyes. Whoever that was, touched my blood-soaked blonde hair, reflecting the lights shining red as the sirens echoed, arriving with aid.

Was this the end?

I woke up in a room of white, wanting to call out but to no avail. A warm hand holds onto mine from aside, trying to tell me it was alright. Could it be that you were waiting for me to wake up this whole time? It was weird; I wanted to speak, before that I just felt that my voice was weak. But right now, it was gone; my throat was clear but nothing would come out.

The doctor broke the news to me and I almost couldn't believe what I just heard.

"I'm afraid your vocal chords were damaged during the accident and you can't speak anymore."

I felt myself struggling and panicking, throwing a fit and screaming silently. I began to whimper and cry, letting my emotions overflow uncontrollably. Gently, you held me in your arms, telling me that it was alright.

"I love you, Kise, I really do. I'm sorry for making you upset all the time."

Your words put me at ease but I don't know how to respond, I looked at you asking with my eyes: "You don't hate me?"

"You idiot, do I look like the type of guy who would go out with someone I hate?"

Outside the room a girl pops in, the very same one who came out of the car. Her next words shock me as she calls out to you.

"Daiki nii-chan!"

I was shocked, was it my misunderstanding this whole time?

"If you misunderstood anything, this explains it. Don't you realise how much you look like you want to cry when you're with me?"

So he knew; he saw through me this whole time. He couldn't comprehend why but he knew I was in pain and he took it all upon himself, deciding to say goodbye.

"I love you, I really do."

He repeats his words and I look into his eyes. There weren't any hints of lies, those were heartfelt words.

I took his hand and gently wrote on his palm…

"青峰っち、好きだよ。"("Aominecchi, I love you.")

Perhaps these feelings of mine could be told in another way, from me to you.

Our lips met, it was a slightly sad yet blissful kiss.

For you and me, our future was just beginning.

Years later, we had officially started to live with each other.

"Kise, I'll cook dinner. You should rest."

I began to protest by glaring at him; he had been over-protective of me since the accident and as if I would get into trouble again, he fetched me from work everyday despite his busy practice schedule.

In response to my protests, he hugged me from behind, making me drop the knife in surprise.

"I love you, Kise."

It was just like him to assure me everytime like this. Even without my voice, I can still respond to his confessions.

"I love you too."

Those were the words behind my kisses.

* * *

Yuki: I know. I know this is very angsty. But I just had sudden inspiration to write this in the middle of the night. I'm sorry guys, here's another Aokise angsty fanfic from me. I have been lamenting about this on my fb too, but I just couldn't stop writing angst. No matter how much fluff I add, the angst just has to be there. /sobs

I thank everyone for the reviews on the other fanfics. I don't really have time to update "Love at First Sight" recently, but it's DEFINITELY still in progress. It's taking a longer time since I'm creating new characters and trying to figure out the flow of the side stories. It's also my exam period now so I'll be taking longer than expected to update on it.

However, I will continue doing oneshots from time to time when I'm bored to relax and I'll update them as soon as possible. I hope you love this fanfic too although it's angsty, see you guys again~


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